


Fragmentation

by StardustDreamMate



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: A few spicy things that come with that, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, Clubbing, College, Emotions, Falling In Love, High School, Hinted hookups, Huang Ren Jun/Lee Jeno - Freeform, Implied Sexual Content, Jeno is secretly a poet, Jeno thinks in fluff, Lee Jeno/Zhong Chen Le - Freeform, M/M, Minor Drinking, Moving On, Pining, Puppy crush Lee Jeno/Kim Doyoung, Requited Love, University, Unrequited Love, lee jeno/na jaemin - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-13
Updated: 2020-07-13
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:00:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25198132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StardustDreamMate/pseuds/StardustDreamMate
Summary: Jeno believes in heart-fragmentation. What does that mean exactly? Well, he’s not too sure.But it goes a little like this:Jeno has been in love five times. He has given and gained, loved and lost, and when the dust settles and the air clears, his heart is left to scrape itself back together after a piece of it breaks off to follow his old flame. They attach themselves to the souls of the ones he loves, and they don’t come back. He’s carried five torches, and, out of all of them, only one has not burnt out.
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Lee Jeno
Comments: 15
Kudos: 74





	Fragmentation

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! This was a spontaneous project on a topic that I’ve found myself thinking about a lot: moving on. Of course, there’s all kinds of ways to do it, but I was fixated on the idea that your heart never truly gives up on those you love (extreme circumstances notwithstanding, of course). And so this was born! 
> 
> I based Jeno’s school years off the American system because I needed a fixed age to play with, but they can really live anywhere~
> 
> This is a work of fiction, and I don’t represent or speak for any of the NCT members. I mean all of them no harm at all, and all aspects are used fictitiously <3 
> 
> Enjoy~ <3

Jeno believes in heart-fragmentation. What does that mean exactly? Well, he’s not too sure. 

But it goes a little like this: 

Jeno has been in love five times. He has given and gained, loved and lost, and when the dust settles and the air clears, his heart is left to scrape itself back together after a piece of it breaks off to follow his old flame. They attach themselves to the souls of the ones he loves, and they don’t come back. He’s carried five torches, and out of all of them, only one has not burnt out. 

✩

Jeno’s first love is Kim Doyoung, a hyung of his in high school who rocks his world with his gummy smile and graceful features. Medium-length hair spun from night and eyes twinkling with a kiss of starlight suck Jeno into the wormhole, too young to know any better, to know that falling for a senior too noble to lead him on is a disaster waiting to happen. 

But, at any rate, Doyoung is a kind, older mentor who takes little Jeno under his wing like a mama bird teaching an orphaned chick how to fly, and his protective nature and smart advice are the only things that get Jeno through freshman year. He finds comfort in Doyoung’s arms when the pressure becomes too strong, and confidence in the encouragement he hands Jeno like it’s candy. Their relationship is never anything other than platonic, but Jeno dreams of panicked laughs and adoring looks for months on end. 

Being near him makes Jeno content, and there’s a familiar warmth to the older that he sinks into when the rest of the world becomes too much. In a way, Doyoung shields Jeno from the real world, sheltering him in a nest, and soon enough, it is time for Jeno to spread his wings and fly. 

But one last time, Doyoung takes Jeno stargazing on a night that Saturn is visible, and Jeno basks in it all, not wanting to let it go. They are sharing a blanket and are nearly sharing breath, Jeno under Doyoung’s chin as he teaches him the constellations. That’s when Jeno realizes that the feeling inside him is not true love, but rather adoration and brotherhood, and he presses a kiss to Doyoung’s cheek when he drops him off at home, letting a tiny piece of his heart behind. 

It doesn’t feel like he’s lost anything at all. 

✹

Then comes Zhong Chenle, a Chinese transfer student who collects the next piece of his heart after Doyoung graduates, bursting onto the scene like the sun on a cloudy day, shedding his light on everything he touches. His brilliantly infectious laugh and penchant for equally vibrant hair dyes steal over the calmness with which Jeno had loved Doyoung and repaints the canvas of his heart with mid-afternoon sunshine in the place of dusky twilights and blooming flowers for every changing leaf. 

Chenle’s charms are far more suited to Jeno’s own age, and the younger boy shows enough interest in Jeno, with cooed compliments and never-ending hugs, that his affections only grow over time, flooding his heart with a new type of love. It is freer, youthful, like tumbling down a hill to see where he lands, grass in his hair and mud on his clothes. And their first kiss tastes of naïveté and bubble gum. 

Their remaining days are filled with laughter and sunshine, brilliant spring days among the flowers and butterflies that linger in the meadows. Dewdrops kiss the blades of grass that stain their skin as they fall into it, exhausted, after a long game of football. Jeno is happy to have a boyfriend for the first time, floating on clouds and dancing on rainbows as he sinks into Chenle’s butterfly kisses. 

They were _so_ happy. 

Jeno loses him over the summer of his sophomore year, both drawn to different people as their infatuation fades and a new one grows, Chenle’s for Park Jisung, his fellow underclassman, and Jeno’s for a certain Na Jaemin. Neither one resents the other, and both understand: it was never meant to last. They never end their relationship officially, and that is okay. 

When Chenle calls him to say Jisung kissed his cheek after they went out for ice cream, Jeno feels nothing but happiness for the boy who’s become his best friend. They squeal together and giggle as Chenle shares every last detail he can remember with him, and as they do, Jeno feels a piece of his heart splinter and fall into Chenle’s hands, sinking quietly into his heart. He doesn’t say anything. Jeno has started to understand how it works. 

He remembers being glad that Chenle gets to keep the second piece. He can think of few people more deserving than he. 



Jeno remains hung up on Na Jaemin through the end of his sophomore year and well into his junior year. He knows that it is futile and that Na Jaemin is notorious for being a player, but it does not affect the way his heart flutters when his seatmate leans across the table to grab a pen or when he winks at Jeno for unknowingly introducing him to his new prey. He begins to fall into the spiderweb that is Na Jaemin, falls for the sweet words and flirty gestures, for the danger of it all. He can feel the piece of his heart starting to prepare for The Separation as Jaemin chases relentlessly after a girl in their class, prettier than Jeno could ever imagine being, clear-skinned to his acne riddled forehead and blessed with good vision where Jeno can barely see beyond arm’s length clearly. 

Jeno is ready to hand over the piece of his heart and move along to the next person when, one day, Jaemin waits for him after math only to pin him to the blackboard once everyone is gone, hands framing the sides of Jeno’s head. His body is long and lean against Jeno’s, and when he smirks before lowering his lips in a delicious slant against Jeno’s, he makes Jeno forget his own name. 

He stumbles out of the classroom hours later with chalk in his hair and bruises on his neck, sucked on carefully with precision and nipped at with the press of delicious teeth against Jeno’s skin. There are more under his shirt, and bruises decorate his hips. He feels sinful but _happy,_ buzzing with electricity from the inside out. 

The next morning, he can still feel the needling press of Jaemin’s teeth against his neck, and it makes him shiver as he stands in the bathroom and googles the best way to apply concealer to a hickey. 

All-day, he ignores the curious glances of strangers and the knowing smile on Chenle’s face as he passes Jeno in the hallway, arm linked through his boyfriend’s. He spends the whole day lost in Jaemin, daydreaming of the love they will have and of romantic dates with flowers and scented candles. 

He was _very_ disillusioned. 

This time, after math, _he_ is the one to pin Jaemin to the board and swallow his groans, render him powerless. When he pulls back, he can see the pretty fringe of Jaemin’s eyelashes, the slope of his nose, and smell the scent of his skin that makes his brain go mental. Jaemin extricates himself from Jeno’s embrace only to lock the door and cover the window before he’s back on him again, kissing until their lips are bruised and swollen. 

One thing leads to another, and Jeno tries his best to make Jaemin feel as good as he made him, but he’s inexperienced and distracted by the burn in the back of his throat and the water pooling in his eyes as he gags. He’s never done anything quite like this, and as he chokes, he gets the sense Jaemin isn’t enjoying it either. 

Sure enough, Jaemin pulls him off gently and kisses him softly, uncaring of where Jeno’s mouth has just been. Their kisses become wilder as Jeno regains some more confidence, but before he can offer to try again, Jaemin ducks out from under him and tells Jeno he’s a good guy. 

Jeno knows what that means. 

The next day, Jaemin is caught in the boy’s locker room with his hands down another’s pants. 

Jeno spends the night on his couch eating mint chocolate chip ice cream and pretending that there aren’t tears in the carton, frozen to the green surface of the dessert. It isn’t enough to cool the phantom burn in the back of his throat or erase the memory of something heavy laying innocently on his tongue as Jeno tried and failed to blow someone. He has half the mind to realize that the tub is all three of his loves in one, Doyoung’s chocolate comfort, Chenle’s sweet ice cream, and damn Na Jaemin’s minty coolness. 

Later, he showers in water that is nearly boiling and desperately tries to wash everything that is Na Jaemin off his body, to scald the skin that he touched so that Jeno never has to think of him again. He scrubs until his skin is raw and close to bleeding, and still, the scent of peaches won’t go away. It fills his nose and haunts him, no matter how much lavender soap he uses. 

His heart separates that night, and Jeno keels over from the force of it. He can _feel_ the spot where it ought to be, and when he sees Jaemin in math the next day, Jeno watches the piece transfer with clenched fists. 

Jaemin is the only one Jeno will resent for keeping a piece. 

♫

The next relationship Jeno finds himself in is different from Doyoung’s but just as calm, different from Chenle but just as bright, and as terminal as Jaemin’s, but he doesn’t know that yet.

Huang Renjun slides into Jeno’s life quietly, and, in fact, he’s always been there, around, for nearly all of it. He’s the younger brother of Jeno’s sister’s best friend, and they meet each other from time to time when their sisters are hanging out, always polite but never friendly. His presence is a quiet one, an understanding soul paired with a feisty personality that makes for an eccentric combination. Acerbic wit meets pure selflessness inside Renjun’s 170cm frame, and they roll off his tongue and spill from his lips, shine together in his eyes, and Jeno loves it. 

They become closer as Jeno begins to heal after Jaemin, studying together in the library after school and trading notes when the other needs it. Their friendship builds all through junior year and fills the space of the summer as Jeno waits for Chenle to come back home from China. 

Renjun begins teaching him Mandarin, and Jeno teaches him Spanish in return, the only language he knows that Renjun doesn’t, and they take refuge in each other, laughing as pronunciations are botched and swear words are discovered. 

Renjun doesn’t like football and isn’t one for working out, but he does love music. Jeno writes him songs about the softness of love and the beauty in the little things, and Renjun sings them all while Jeno plays his violin. They create a symphony together, a progression of notes telling a story for only each other to hear. When they fall into Jeno’s bed, breathless and high on the music, Jeno feels his heart warm instead of pang, and when he turns to say something to Renjun, he finds him already looking. 

Jeno finds eyes fascinating. They’re doorways to the soul and paragraphs of lives lived and memories made can be found within them if you just bother to look. Renjun’s gorgeous eyes make Jeno want to look.

There are as many shadows as there are lights in his eyes, and Jeno is entranced by the way they flow from his iris to his pupil, which is steadily becoming more and more blown as they inch closer. He knows Renjun is recovering from heartbreak the same way he is, and he can see it in his eyes, and maybe that’s why Jeno asks him who it is. 

Renjun runs away. 

The time without him is very eye-opening for Jeno. Where his past loves were spontaneous, spurs of the moment, built on superficial things, his growing feelings for Renjun run deeper, like a river strong enough to wear through stone, carve canyons with relentless flows of water that never stop coming. In a way, loving Renjun is like discovering a puddle only to watch it transform into a lake, to follow that lake until it becomes a stream that merges into a river that roars until it’s a waterfall, tumbling down the side of a cliff. Loving Renjun is slow and steady until it’s not, washing over Jeno in the middle of the night as he lies awake and wonders if Renjun is watching the stars as well. 

He picks up his violin and goes out into the grass, basks in the starlight, and starts to play. The melody is longing and sweet, and he only wishes that Renjun could be there with him to sing along. 

They don’t talk for another month, and by the time Jeno’s ready for his heart to splinter again, Renjun appears on his doorstep looking tiny and sad, and Jeno sweeps him into his arms without saying a word. When tears are done falling and apologies are done being given, Jeno leans in, leans down, and gives a chance for Renjun to walk away again, to leave him with his heart on the floor. 

Renjun doesn’t move. 

Their faces get closer as Jeno pulls Renjun in by the waist, still inching down as the older boy’s eyes slide closed, and that’s when Jeno knows. _This is the one._

Their lips press against each other’s with a pillowy softness, and Jeno’s nose fits perfectly alongside Renjun’s. Arms wrap around his neck slowly and all Jeno can do is _feel_ as the warmth of Renjun’s body bleeds into his own and their passions mix. 

“I love you,” Renjun whispers, and when Jeno says it back, he feels like falling. 

Maybe that should have been the first clue. 

At the end of senior year, Renjun leaves Jeno. Their relationship had been long and steady, but not without bumps, and when he says that he can’t hold Jeno back for college and can’t let Jeno hold _him_ back, Jeno understands. How couldn’t he? Renjun’s soul is the other half of his own, and they complete each other by being exactly what they need without even knowing it. 

_Zhì yīn_ , Renjun taught him. _Understanding the music._ Jeno understands Renjun’s music because it runs in his own soul as well. They are each other’s melody, and their music will never fade. 

Jeno will miss him dearly. 

He hands Renjun his fragment in the form of a goodbye kiss and a songbird locket before the pain becomes too much and he has to leave, unable to resist looking back until Renjun’s silhouette is gone in the masses of people boarding the train to Jilin. 

When he gets home, Jeno breaks his violin, wrings horrible, dissonant noises out of it until the bow is stripped and the bridge destroyed. He never wants to play again, not without Renjun’s voice to accompany him. Only when there is nothing left to play and no tears streaming down his face, does Jeno set down the remnants of his beautiful violin. 

The pieces find their way under his bed, next to a little wooden star, a football, and a calculator. 

♨︎

After Renjun, Jeno is convinced there is nothing left of his heart to give. He is convinced that no one else will be right for him and that it is time to hang up the mantle and hide his emotions lest he get hurt again. He has loved four times and only lost, surely that is enough. He’s been infatuated, young and in love, lusted for, and broken up with, what else can there be? 

He throws himself into college headfirst, new glasses frames and new converse sneakers, ready for a new start. In college, Jeno can be Lee Jeno, architecture major and ultimate cat lover. He can be himself without being _vulnerable,_ and for the first two years, it’s great. 

The stars retain their beauty, and sometimes he gets texts from Doyoung with breathtaking pictures of glittering lights against the hues of the sky, mysterious purples and deep, dusky blues. They make him smile, and his heart warm, even if Doyoung’s sky is thousands of miles from his and the stars form different shapes. 

He can play football again, and he often takes time to meet up with Chenle and Jisung in the parks to kick a ball around and score some goals. They don’t get to see each other much anymore, so any time is a blessing. Their games are fun and light, and Jeno enjoys watching Chenle and Jisung together because they are the epitome of adorable. 

After midterms of his second year, Jeno returns to music, but not his violin, and learns to play the guitar. It satisfies his urge to create, and the sound is not so fundamentally different from how his beautiful violin used to sound. His compositions do not spin love stories and they are not in major anymore, but there is a different flow to the music that speaks of experience and not hope. His internal symphony has matured with him, it seems. 

Jeno kind of likes it. 

What he can’t do, however, is think of peaches without wanting to scream. 

Then he meets Lee Donghyuck. 

He, of course, has nothing to do with Jaemin’s peaches, but his presence does something strange to Jeno. 

At first, they can’t stand each other. Donghyuck is boisterous and extroverted, and Jeno is reserved and introverted on a good day. Their personalities clash horrendously, and it’s a wonder they managed to finish their first collaboration project in Art History without running the other to death. 

Jeno thinks that’s the last he’ll see of him. 

He is _wrong_. 

Donghyuck turns out to be good friends with Jeno’s roommate, Mark Lee, a Canadian music major who is the literal definition of dork and the embodiment of homebody. Jeno finds Donghyuck in their dorm room at least thrice a week, and one day, Jeno walks in on them far too close on the couch, clothes on the floor around them, and decides that Dejun’s room is safer. 

Dejun, bless him, lets Jeno stay with him and his roommate-turned-boyfriend, Guanheng, and he pets Jeno’s hair all night while he has a breakdown on the couch over a C in physics and inconsiderate roommates who forget to use the sock on the door method. Jeno met him at the orientation of his freshman year, and the older man is a total sweetheart with the personality of a cinnamon roll. Ordinarily, Jeno would have fallen in love with him by now and would have handed over a piece of his heart in the face of Dejun’s pretty features and equally pretty personality, but it never happened. And now his friend has Guanheng, so Jeno wouldn’t try to go there anyway. 

He remembers being reassured, at least, that it _is_ possible for him to have friends he hasn’t loved. Otherwise, Jeno feels as if life will become very lonely, _very_ quickly. 

Weeks later, Jeno runs into Donghyuck again, this time at a bar off the edge of campus, with Jaemin, of all people. They are laughing at a table in the corner over something Jeno’s ex has said, and his heart clenches a little as he watches. Jaemin’s amused chuckle can still play in his head on command. 

As it is, time has treated Jaemin well, Jeno realizes, and what little baby fat clung to his cheeks before is gone, erased to leave behind a chiselled jawline and angular chin. They emphasize the captivating darkness in Jaemin’s eyes that always had a way of pinning a person in place with a look. His chest is clearly sculpted under the white, low-cut blouse that he’s wearing, and his hair has gone from pink to blue. 

The piece of Jeno’s heart calls to him across the room. 

Had it been anyone else, Jeno would have welcomed their presence with open arms. The rest are all his loves and his friends, and Jeno could enjoy their company and reminisce with them about a time long past. With Jaemin, there will be no such thing. Jaemin may have been his love, but he was also his greatest mistake. He is shrouded in Jeno’s regrets, humiliation, and sheer embarrassment, and Jeno is not eager for a repeat. 

Jeno is scrambling to leave before either boy can notice him when Donghyuck yells his name with an “oi, Jeno!”, and then he’s stuck at a table with both of them. All the while, he does his best to deflect from personal questions and keep his eyes far, far away from Jaemin’s sultry ones so he can at least maintain some dignity this time around, but it’s to no avail. 

The spot where Jaemin’s fragment used to rest throbs ever so slightly again, and when they offer to buy him a drink, Jeno gives in. The first shot of liquor goes down with a burning vengeance that brings a high flush to Jeno’s cheeks. 

He’s never been good at holding his liquor, and Jaemin seems to know this because he keeps plying him with drinks. There doesn’t appear to be any malicious intent, so Jeno lets it go. He can call Mark to pick him up afterwards. For now, he is content to get wasted and escape the cruelties of reality. 

After a while, Donghyuck drags Jeno out onto the dance floor with reckless abandon, hair streaked with purple and leather jacket straining at the shoulders as he twirls and laughs unabashedly. Jeno feels a dangerous flutter in his chest, under the alcohol, and hurries to stamp it down. He knows that Donghyuck is Mark’s, and Mark is Donghyuck’s, and he will not let himself fall in love only to become an adulterer. 

But for tonight, with a buzz in his veins, Jeno is content to twirl Donghyuck in his arms and bask in his effervescence, hands moulding to his waist like they were meant to be there and fingers lacing together through the crowd like pieces of a puzzle. He is content to lean close to the fire that burns hot and wild and see how long it takes to get singed. 

The next morning, Jeno wakes up hungover and miserable, but the memories of dancing in the dark with Donghyuck linger far longer than the sour taste of vomit as he hurls into the toilet. He pops two painkillers and tries to forget the wildness with which he lived for a night. 

His worst fears come true as his third year of college comes and goes and Donghyuck only becomes more present, picking up Jeno from class and memorizing his favourite things (guitars and purring cats, winter and blue skies). Jeno does his best to maintain a proper distance, but it’s useless because Donghyuck is a magnet and Jeno must be made of iron, nickel, and cobalt because he is attracted to him despite it all. 

His tanned skin lingers in Jeno’s mind, and his pretty doe eyes and soft curves plague his dreams. The expertly applied winged golden eyeliner that makes his every feature pop and the habitual bites to his lips drive Jeno _wild._

That’s not to say that Donghyuck is a beautiful damsel in need for rescuing, _oh no_. Donghyuck is his own avenging angel, and he burns with a silver tongue and passion that rivals Renjun’s tempered steel. Where Doyoung was night and Chenle was day, and Jaemin smooth and Renjun steady, Donghyuck is a flickering flame, and his blaze makes the rest of Jeno’s loves look small. He is a phoenix, rising up from the ashes of Jeno’s past heartbreaks and bringing a reckoning with him. 

Jeno has never been more terrified. 

He spends another night in Dejun’s room when he hears the bed frame creaking in Mark’s room, and he pours his heart out to Guanheng, who listens dutifully while his boyfriend makes them dinner. His tears fall until they can’t anymore, and that is when Guanheng gives him the magical piece of advice: talk to him. Jeno nods, and he falls asleep tucked between two of his most unlikely friends, the tones of Mandarin swelling around him until he’s not sure where the present is and the past begins. 

As it is, Jeno does no such thing. He holes himself up in the architectural studio and throws himself into designing his Helpful Hand project, a structure intended to improve the daily lives of people. He decides on a water filtration wheel where grates and a fire-resistant trough will allow the users to remove stones and grit while boiling bacteria out of the liquid. It’s not entirely hashed out, but all he has to do is blueprint it and submit it to the committee. The fine-tuning will be some poor senior’s job. 

He’s logging his eighty-ninth studio hour in the login notebook when an arm around his waist shocks him out of complacency. It’s toned and strong, but it’s clear that the person is not trying to cage him. Jeno can escape if he wants to. 

“Jaemin?” 

“You look stressed. Do you want me to help relieve it?” He looks as devilishly handsome as ever, and Jeno is reminded why he fell for him in the first place before he’s capturing Jaemin’s lips with his own. They are just as plush and hot as ever, and Jeno is too busy moaning to think about how many people have tasted the lips he’s devouring. 

They fall into each other all the way across campus and to Jaemin’s room, fetching up against the door as Jaemin fumbles in his back pocket for the key, and when he tosses a sock over the handle, only then does it feel real to Jeno. 

But he doesn’t complain. He wants this, _needs_ this distraction, even if it’s with his ex who he loved and who stole a piece of his heart. And so, he lets Jaemin strip him and push him down onto the bed, shuddering apart under him once the pleasure becomes too much to bear. 

Once the flames of passion have faded, Jeno realizes what he’s done and stumbles out of bed, collecting his clothes up from the floor and wincing at the soreness in his ass before he’s slipping out of Jaemin’s room without a note. He doesn’t need one. He was using Jeno just as much as he used Jaemin. There is nothing more to say. 

The next day, Jeno asks Mark about Donghyuck, and what they are. He can’t bear to wait any longer, and he needs the fragment to break off soon so his chest will stop feeling tight. But instead of assuring Jeno that he’s been right all along, Mark’s answer _floors_ him. 

“Dating Donghyuck? Why would I do that? He’s in love with someone else!” Mark looks confused from behind the rims of his Harry Potter glasses, and Jeno sees honesty in them that reminds him of an old love, of rivers and waterfalls. He must be going mad, to see shadows of the past in people of the present, but his heart has always worked in strange ways. A piece of himself will belong to all of them forever, and maybe a piece of them has attached itself to Jeno as well. He does not pretend to know how the fragments work. 

And still, his brain works overtime to comprehend the glorious words spilling from his roommate’s lips. Donghyuck is not in love with Mark, and they have not dated, or even slept together. They are friends and nothing more. 

Every “sign” Jeno had seen has been a misunderstanding, from the clothes in each other’s drawers and the sharing a bed. The scandalous couch scene had been Donghyuck patching up a nasty scrape Mark had gotten from a run-in with the wrong side of a meat cleaver, and the flirtatious banter and cheek-kisses are nothing more than Donghyuck being himself and testing Mark’s saint-like patience. 

“Do you know who?” 

“I think it’s best you ask him yourself.” And Mark turns away to continue working on his song, Baby Don’t Like It, the source of the bed squeaks Jeno had heard once upon a time. It explains everything and nothing at once, and Jeno steels himself once more for the rejection he knows is imminent. 

He’s never been very good at love. 

Jeno finds Donghyuck under the cherry trees next to the river, clouds spread intermittently across the sky as the day nears the night and the birds start to say goodnight. There’s peace spread across the clearing, and Jeno is scared to shatter it with his budding confession, with words that might splinter the stringent remains of his heart. 

“Hyuckie?” 

“Jeno!” Instantly, Donghyuck is around his neck and pressing a kiss to his cheek, and Jeno is jello, legs wobbly even as his heart soars. “I’ve missed you!” 

“And I, you.” Jeno wraps his arms around Donghyuck’s waist and tries not to shiver as his breath tickles the side of his neck. “Listen, I had something to tell you.” Whether it is the words or the gravity in his tone, Jeno doesn’t know, but something causes Donghyuck to withdraw from Jeno’s neck with a deceptively passive expression spreading across his features. Jeno wants to pull it away because Donghyuck should _never_ have to hide from him, but he respects his space nonetheless. Donghyuck has done nothing less for Jeno himself. 

“What is it? Should I be worried?” 

“I believe in heart fragmentation,” Jeno began, drawing Donghyuck to the ground to sit with him on a pillow of lush green grass that’s blanketing the ground beneath them. He doesn’t know if Donghyuck ought to be worried or not, so he ignores the question entirely in favour of enjoying his closeness for what may very well be the last time. Cherry blossoms rain down around them, filling the man whose head is in his lap’s hair with petals. Jeno cards his fingers through the purple locks and tries not to think about the pain he’s going to feel when another piece breaks off. 

“Every time I fall in love, a piece of my heart follows the one I fell for, no matter what they do to me. It attaches to their soul, but it weakens my own.” He looks down to see sad eyes peering into his own, an ache in Donghyuck’s eyes that mirrors his own. A tiny flicker of hope starts to catch fire in his chest. 

“That sounds awful,” Donghyuck whispers, turning his cheek into the curve of Jeno’s palm. “Does it hurt?” 

“Only sometimes,” he hums, stroking the curve of Donghyuck’s cheekbone with his thumb and smiling softly when the man lets out a little purr. “After the first break, the ache fades quickly. It’s no different than falling out of love, and I’ve only ever regretted one piece.” 

“Can I ask who?” 

“Jaemin.” The name feels like glass in his mouth. 

“Oh.” The exhale is understanding, quiet, and Donghyuck’s eyes slide closed as the sunlight bounces off his sun-kissed skin. He looks as beautiful as ever, alight with his own flames and the touch of solar energy. It’s like nothing Jeno has ever felt before, incomparable to the rest. Donghyuck blows all of them away. 

“Do you know why I’m telling you this?” Jeno ventures after a few more minutes of silence. There is a boat drifting leisurely across the river across from them, and the water ripples under the painted hull of the craft. There are swans swimming through the reeds in pairs of two, and Jeno’s heart clenches. He’s as ready as he’ll ever be.

Donghyuck hums, noncommittal, and Jeno blurts it out before he can take the words back. 

“I’m in love with you.” He closes his eyes and waits for the final snap, the shattering of glass inside himself. This time, he knows for sure, will be the last. He’ll never give in again. Jeno’s said it before, but now there’s a certainty within him that it will only ever be Donghyuck, or it will be no one. 

The man in his lap withdraws from his touch, pulling his cheek away from Jeno’s fingers. His head leaves the pillowed expanse of Jeno’s thighs, the weight lifting delicately as another crack spiders through his heart. Jeno wills himself to be strong and for his body to still. He has been stoic four times before, and he will do it again. 

And suddenly, there’s a finger tapping his nose, a smooth voice telling him to open his eyes. Jeno obeys, confused, and startles because Donghyuck’s eyes are centimetres from his own, his head tilted to the side to keep their noses apart. His hand cupping Jeno’s jaw tentatively but firmly, and the pressure building behind Jeno’s eyelids dissipates. 

“Can I kiss you?” Donghyuck whispers, the words spilling like honey from his lips, and Jeno nearly moans from the taste of them in the air. He’s confused but so, so enamoured, and how can he resist Donghyuck in something that his own soul longs for as well? 

“Please.” 

Doyoung never kissed him, Jeno thinks. Chenle and he were too young to know what kisses should be, and Jaemin showed him lust and passion, alone; Renjun gave him devotion, but Donghyuck gives Jeno _life_. He feels like he’s unmade and made under Donghyuck’s touch, born and reborn again under the sweet caress of his lips. It is slow, and it is worth more than a thousand words. Jeno can taste the words on his lips. 

_I love you._

Jeno _believed_ in fragmentation. What is it? It’s giving pieces of your soul and pieces of your love to those who cannot handle it all. It is falling for someone who is not quite right. There is an unmistakable beauty in it, and there is great pain. 

In the past, Jeno has fallen for four different types of people. He’s had a hyung, had a dongsaeng, had a fling, and had a lover. Each one was unique from the others in a way that captured Jeno’s heart enough to steal a piece for each of them, and every single one taught him a different lesson, about life or about himself. 

He’ll always owe his loves a piece of himself, and they will always have it. But they were not enough for him, and he was not suitable for them. There was always a vital element that was not present, and that is why they never worked out. 

With Donghyuck, there is only beauty. There are no starless nights and no burning afternoons. There is more than lust, and there is a newer, kinder melody that Jeno hasn’t composed yet but knows he wants to. There is _fire,_ there is _friendship,_ there is _love_ , and it _is_ requited. 

And there are no more fragments. 

With Donghyuck, Jeno cannot feel the pieces of his love that have splintered off into other people, the raw emotions that have become only memory. All he can feel is love, unbridled and untethered by any force on this earth, and he has a suspicion that there will be no more pieces in the future. It is true that he will never stop loving his past loves entirely and that their touches on who Jeno is and who he will become will not fade so easily, but Jeno does not mind. Why? Because Donghyuck has healed his heart, and Jeno feels whole again. 

You cannot love two people, three people, four, even _five people_ the same way because they are _different,_ and their souls sing different songs. But different people can love the same person, and Jeno can’t wait to see how it feels to be loved by Donghyuck. 

**Author's Note:**

> If anyone was wondering, each section marker is for a different love of Jeno’s (bc I love symbolism), and they represent an aspect of their effect on Jeno/the way he fell in love as he explains it in the story 
> 
> ✩ Doyoung  
> ✹ Chenle  
>  Jaemin  
> ♫ Renjun  
> ♨︎ Donghyuck  
>   
> -> I struggled with Jaemin for a while bc lust is hard to symbolize in a tiny character but apples are associated with forbidden things and vitality so...  
> -> Renjun’s zhì yīn that runs in Jeno’s soul is a beautiful phrase used in China to describe a personal relationship with someone you’re close to that runs deeper than normal friendship, but it literally translates to “understanding the music”. It stems from a gorgeous legend (Yu Boya and Zhong Ziqi) that I’d definitely look into if you’re interested because I was very inspired by it for Renjun and Jeno’s relationship  
> -> Hyuck’s is a hot spring bc they’re cleansing and renewing but also bc it was hard to find characters that fit what I wanted OTL Phoenixes and flames aren’t stylized all too often I guess >_<
> 
> Kudos and comments(!!) are SO appreciated, I love getting to know your thoughts and knowing someone enjoyed this :) 
> 
> <3
> 
> Twitter: @MateStardust


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